Kistaro Windrider, Reptillian Situation Assessor (kistaro) wrote,
Kistaro Windrider, Reptillian Situation Assessor
kistaro

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On polyamory

For those who haven't caught on, or read my interests list, or brought up the subject in conversation: I'm polyamorous, and in a polyamorous relationship. Conversation on different takes on the concept has come up enough recently I feel I should post my own.

Of course, I also have other reasons to think about it; a dragon who Rakeela and I are both in love with finally got a chance to visit last weekend and it was, for each of us, sincerely one of the most emotionally beneficial experiences the any of the three of us have ever had. I'm not good at describing emotional experiences; I do know it did quite a lot of good to have someone in an emotionally close relationship with me who is very physical with hir affection around for a while. I guess I'm selective about who I want to be touched by, but it's done me some good to, even for a little while, be able to answer the quiet urge to hug someone I care about by hugging someone I care about. Cognitively, I just got to relax for a while- which is as much an effect of "it's a vacation" as anything else- and that's not an experience I have all that often. I had someone else actually defending my interests for once, and acting as a priority and a reason for me not to just scurry off and do whatever random thing someone around the house wants as opposed to whatever I've wanted to do or have been trying to do.

A lot of what helped is that one big fear I had is gone. I was afraid that maybe I wouldn't be very good at polyamory when confronted directly with it. I had this fear that I'd get jealous over people I love spending time with each other, or with people they love, instead of me, or that I'd be receiving such jealousy. That no such thing happened did a great deal to get rid of one of my persistent anxieties; my tendency to be happy that people I love are happy is strong, and jealousy doesn't even bother entering into it.

Which I need. Jealousy, I don't need. But I'm emotionally polyamorous because the alternative makes no sense to me. I cannot understand why a relationship with a person should be this strong and defining limitation on relationships to other people. Being forced to spurn a person you love is the basis of an immense quantity of emotional pain; love triangles are the foundation of tragic stageplays throughout history. So, what good comes from being forced to make such a fundamentally painful decision? The only thing that makes sense to me is fear- most specifically, fear of jealousy- and that just seems like choosing an unavoidably painful thing that can do a lot of damage to people forever in favor of learning how to manage an emotion that not everybody will even bother experiencing in the circumstances.

I can't understand why it makes sense to force onesself to make such a choice for an arbitrary headcount limit of one. So I'm polyamorous because having a relationship won't stop me from falling in love with people, and it's not any more complicated than that.

This isn't to say I love easily; my relationships have taken multiple years to develop. But that happens, and trying to fight against it won't help me any.

I love multiple dragons, and we are all making it work out quite well for us all. I guess there isn't much more to it than that. I'm happy, and so are people I love, and those are the things that matter.

I've migrated to DreamWidth. The original post is at http://kistaro.dreamwidth.org/480694.html. View comment count unavailable comments at http://kistaro.dreamwidth.org/480694.html#comments; go ahead and use OpenID to post your own, or you can comment here.
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