guiltyMaybe it's just because it's 5:49 AM and I need sleep (although I had a four-hour nap earlier, I've been playing Alpha Centauri for the last three hours. Which, unfortunately, isn't getting my Machine Learning assignment done), but I feel irrationally guilty about killing that spider. The more I think about it, the more of a rational action it seems, but I still feel guilty about killing an animal that I can't eat.
The spider was a brown recluse, so it was a direct threat to me. And it was crawling around very near my bed, so it was in a direct threatening position- not because it would attack me, but because it would defend itself if I rolled over towards it in my sleep. The only endings for that spider would be to get it out of my dorm room or for it to die, and my previous attempts to herd it out of my room or peacefully coexist with it when it seemed content to stand on the other wall failed.
I tried to make it as quick as possible: not much, if any, give to the cardboard box I flattened it with; it wasn't even twitching. I usually filter my posts about psychic and magic phenomena, but I'll mention it here- I felt only the tiniest flash of pain and fear from it, for a split instant, because I didn't give it very long at all. Then I found its soul, and I explained myself, and I apologized, and I tried to help it recover from the shock of death, and it didn't even seem very upset about being abruptly disincarnate.
If it wasn't a spider that could hurt me, I wouldn't have hurt it. It was one of the dangerous ones, so my actions weren't unreasonable. So damn it, why do I feel so bad about this?
Looked at another way, though... your life is more valuable than a spider's, because of the potential you have in this life, what you can do, what you have done, how you affect the lives of others. It may have been a small chance, but there was a chance that letting that spider live could have ended your life; and in that sense, every creature is justified to kill in self-defense - even spiders. Even you.
Empathy is a wonderful, necessary part of being a healthy sentient being - but sometimes, it causes pain in unexpected ways. Yay, empathy. *hugs you* :\
Yes, every creature has the right to defend xirself, but the value of a life doesn't figure into it.
But you do have a duty to your own upkeep. You made your attempt at keeping the spider separate; it failed. You did what you had to, and you are sorry for it. That's more than enough.
My family all has a lot of respect for small animals, and go to great lengths to avoid killing anything, only using it as a last resort if our own lives are in danger. I experienced culture shock when I found that all of my classmates and friends thought nothing at all of killing a small animal as soon as they looked at one. They're like: see a spider, kill a spider, move on. It's rare but reassurring to hear of someone who doesn't believe in killing small animals recklessly.
*winghugs* khu'voc-tche, leh'moul
- t
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It was a threat and you tried all other options. You didn't trap or poison it.. You handled it humanely. It was self-defense/preservation - Slith