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Kistaro Windrider, Reptillian Situation Assessor

Unfortunately, I Really Am That Nerdy

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Guilt
airbrushed, thoughtful
kistaro
Maybe it's just because it's 5:49 AM and I need sleep (although I had a four-hour nap earlier, I've been playing Alpha Centauri for the last three hours. Which, unfortunately, isn't getting my Machine Learning assignment done), but I feel irrationally guilty about killing that spider. The more I think about it, the more of a rational action it seems, but I still feel guilty about killing an animal that I can't eat.

The spider was a brown recluse, so it was a direct threat to me. And it was crawling around very near my bed, so it was in a direct threatening position- not because it would attack me, but because it would defend itself if I rolled over towards it in my sleep. The only endings for that spider would be to get it out of my dorm room or for it to die, and my previous attempts to herd it out of my room or peacefully coexist with it when it seemed content to stand on the other wall failed.

I tried to make it as quick as possible: not much, if any, give to the cardboard box I flattened it with; it wasn't even twitching. I usually filter my posts about psychic and magic phenomena, but I'll mention it here- I felt only the tiniest flash of pain and fear from it, for a split instant, because I didn't give it very long at all. Then I found its soul, and I explained myself, and I apologized, and I tried to help it recover from the shock of death, and it didn't even seem very upset about being abruptly disincarnate.

If it wasn't a spider that could hurt me, I wouldn't have hurt it. It was one of the dangerous ones, so my actions weren't unreasonable. So damn it, why do I feel so bad about this?

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Brown recluses can be very dangerous. The only friend I've ever made who died, died of multiple bites from brown recluses followed by a hospital infection.

It's a life. Looking at it from some ways - why should your life be more valuable than that of a spider's? And I'd bet that's where the guilt is coming from.

Looked at another way, though... your life is more valuable than a spider's, because of the potential you have in this life, what you can do, what you have done, how you affect the lives of others. It may have been a small chance, but there was a chance that letting that spider live could have ended your life; and in that sense, every creature is justified to kill in self-defense - even spiders. Even you.

Empathy is a wonderful, necessary part of being a healthy sentient being - but sometimes, it causes pain in unexpected ways. Yay, empathy. *hugs you* :\

I don't think there's a difference in the value of a spider's life or a human's life. Who are we to measure the value of a life in the grand scope of things? Every creature contributes. All are connected. The removal of a spider from an environment could be as detrimental/transformational/influential as the removal of a human.

Yes, every creature has the right to defend xirself, but the value of a life doesn't figure into it.

Too bad you didn't get the one that bit me a dozen times the other night. *scratch*

If it was a recluse, y'better see a doctor, and quick.

Naw, it's not eating my flesh, fortunately! The bites are fading already. They'll have stopped itching in another few days.

Because you take your responsibilities seriously.

But you do have a duty to your own upkeep. You made your attempt at keeping the spider separate; it failed. You did what you had to, and you are sorry for it. That's more than enough.

Maybe feel a bit better in knowing that this evening as i was cleaning out the break room at work i saw a relatively big sideways (think kind of crab angled legs?) walking down the hallway, and i squatted down to scootch it [although unwillingly!] onto some plastic bags and dumped it outside. I doubt anyone else at my work would have done that, and would have squashed it. Although i was helpless here. ;__;

I've felt the same way about brown recluse spiders.

My family all has a lot of respect for small animals, and go to great lengths to avoid killing anything, only using it as a last resort if our own lives are in danger. I experienced culture shock when I found that all of my classmates and friends thought nothing at all of killing a small animal as soon as they looked at one. They're like: see a spider, kill a spider, move on. It's rare but reassurring to hear of someone who doesn't believe in killing small animals recklessly.

Remember, friend, you did the best to coexist or safely relocate it. I find it exceptional what you did with it post-mortum: i'm not sure how many of those whom are capabile of communing would even consider doing so. And that you did may also be contributing to your guilt. Regardless what all you communicated with it, do take at least a little comfort that you did much more than most on this planet would in such situation.
*winghugs* khu'voc-tche, leh'moul
- t
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It was a threat and you tried all other options. You didn't trap or poison it.. You handled it humanely. It was self-defense/preservation - Slith

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