March 24th, 2007

airbrushed, thoughtful

Guilt

Maybe it's just because it's 5:49 AM and I need sleep (although I had a four-hour nap earlier, I've been playing Alpha Centauri for the last three hours. Which, unfortunately, isn't getting my Machine Learning assignment done), but I feel irrationally guilty about killing that spider. The more I think about it, the more of a rational action it seems, but I still feel guilty about killing an animal that I can't eat.

The spider was a brown recluse, so it was a direct threat to me. And it was crawling around very near my bed, so it was in a direct threatening position- not because it would attack me, but because it would defend itself if I rolled over towards it in my sleep. The only endings for that spider would be to get it out of my dorm room or for it to die, and my previous attempts to herd it out of my room or peacefully coexist with it when it seemed content to stand on the other wall failed.

I tried to make it as quick as possible: not much, if any, give to the cardboard box I flattened it with; it wasn't even twitching. I usually filter my posts about psychic and magic phenomena, but I'll mention it here- I felt only the tiniest flash of pain and fear from it, for a split instant, because I didn't give it very long at all. Then I found its soul, and I explained myself, and I apologized, and I tried to help it recover from the shock of death, and it didn't even seem very upset about being abruptly disincarnate.

If it wasn't a spider that could hurt me, I wouldn't have hurt it. It was one of the dangerous ones, so my actions weren't unreasonable. So damn it, why do I feel so bad about this?
  • Current Mood
    guilty guilty