November 15th, 2004

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BOMP

Is it sad that I'm looking forward to a television show? One that doesn't come on until tomorrow? And it's the sixth in its series?

Or is it worse that it's in the "Reality TV" genre? Or that it only went off a couple months ago?

And, of course, if you follow the show in question at http://www.televisionwithoutpity.com, you'll know exactly which television show I'm referring to, by the in-joke in the title to this post.

Little five-dollar television, don't fail me...
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Asshats, shit, humor, and, most importantly, cake

So heading to the Village Commons for dinner, I was confronted by a wad of gum adhered to one of the windows on the inner door. Why the fuck would someone stick their gum there? I can concieve of absolutely no reason that a rational person would do so. This leads, of course, to the conclusion that the person who caused the confectionry to be in that location must be aggressively irrational. Fortunately, the Internet bastardization of the English language has provided us with a perfect word for such a person: "asshat". (I need a userpic depicting a donkey in a fedora, the latter element of it labeled "hat" and allowing the viewer to draw the appropriate conclusion.)

The presence of a word, however, does not mitigate the actual meaning of the word. Damn it, the housekeepers have a hard enough job without you shit-flinging chimpanzees sabotaging their efforts. How could anybody come to the conclusion that spitting their gum on the window was the best action they could take? Couldn't they have done something more productive and less damaging, like repeatedly hitting themselves over the head with a squeaky penguin? It would have gotten exactly as much useful accomplished, I assure you.

A Google phrase-search (y'know, one with quotes) reveals that there are only three sites in its index that have used the phrase "shit-flinging chimpanzees." (And I may very well be the first user of "repeatedly hitting themselves over the head with a squeaky penguin".) This was a somewhat unexpected result, but more amusing was Google's helpful link informing me that I can "look up shit at Dictionary.com" should I wish to. Well, yes, the entire point of a dictionary is to look shit up. Is it sad that I find the lack of quote marks amusing?

Or is it worse that I followed the link, and found it hysterically funny that Dictionary.com's entry on "shit" is one of the longest I've read from the site? I suspect this gives as much insight into human psychology as any textbook on the subject. Seriously. No shit.

Anyway, at the Village Commons, putting thoughts of gum-flinging asshats aside, I waited in line to place my order. I was not the only one who laughed as the man behind the counter (I really should know his name by now) filled the order of the person ahead of me- it was I, the person ahead of me in line, and the man filling the order who laughed.

The person ahead of me in line ordered the standard value meal of "half order of fries, half order of chicken tenders." He used the standard short notation of "Half tenders, half fries" to request his order. He was presented with a plate containing half of one chicken tender and half of one french fry.

Not quite as good as the "You want a quesadilla with everything on it?" "Yep." "Everything?" "Yes!" "Mark, get the saurkraut, I got the tuna!" that I had heard near the beginning of the semester, but still worth a good laugh. I seriously respect the ability of the kitchen staff to not go insane with their jobs...

So after I ordered, obtained, paid for, and ate my meal, I went back for dessert. That was probably one of the better decisions I've made today. That chocolate-strawberry cake was really, really good. The serving was, as is traditional from Washington University or really any food service, far larger than is actually healthy for me, but that did in no way inhibit my indulgence. I suspect they used actual whipped cream. Whether they did or not does not, in retrospect, particularly matter.

In conclusion: mmm. cake.
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