June 9th, 2003

color cycle (slow)

Angst of the week

Why am I so terrible at showing that I care?

It's frustrating. Shit happens to people I care about. I care about that, I care about them, and I want to comfort and assist them- but I always lose the part of "comforting," I always come off as an impersonal analyst.

I care. I don't like to see those around me suffering; I want to lessen their pain. I want to express that I sympathize, that it's more than just a situational analysis with automated, unfeeling response. But I don't let myself stop my life over the ruined life of another- be it my uncle, who's about to lose his insurance and therefore be unable to foot the $50,000 medical bill that must be paid to keep him alive, or my aunt, who's dying of several creative varieties of cancer but has still survived longer than anybody expected.

I feel pain over all of this. I deeply wish the situation could be different. No matter what I may express- or not- I am in pain over all of it, and more.

But I just can't express it.

Is it worse to say something that seems cold and analytical, but potentially useful, or say nothing at all? When the best case is something helpful and comforting, something that shows that I care?