December 11th, 2002

confused, buh?

Judo Class, Promotion Test

Testing For: 5th Degree (Green Belt)
PASSED

That's more of an accomplishment than you might think. Green's still relatively low.

I came in to class, uncertain. The test began; I could not, for the life of me, remember the throws.

Sensei had me work with Ben for 20 minutes to try to sort things out. (It's Sensei's method: fail the test because you can't remember what to do, you get a second chance. If you can't do it, well, sorry, wait six months.)

It didn't help that I was a weepy wreck. I was certain that I was doing it wrong; I had my hand wrong, then I was doing the wrong throw, then my hip wasn't in...

I managed. I passed the test.

Sensei talked to me about it; the only real problem I had in the test is a big one.

I have almost no confidence in myself. I am certain that I'll fail almost anything I try. If I am not given the chance to stop myself, I can almost always succeed.

So why can't I trust myself to do something right? Why do I assume that I'm wrong?

The comical part? The only thing about myself I have any certainty of is the hardest to believe. No prizes for guessing. Anything else? I just don't think I can, or I don't think I have the skill, or I just plain can't.

I gotta learn to trust my abilities.
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    confused confused