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color cycle (slow)

Kistaro Windrider, Reptillian Situation Assessor

Unfortunately, I Really Am That Nerdy

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National Coming Out Day
color cycle (slow)
So for those who weren't aware, it is National Coming Out Day. This year, I find myself considering that I am best advised to participate- at least in an online context. Enough of you reading this probably don't know that it's worth the trouble.

I am of thoroughly ambiguous sexuality. "Bisexual" would be a fair term, but it misses one important fact: I simply don't notice peoples' genders. I have to conciously think to figure out which set of pronouns to use. I fail to notice gender in any context, and therefore there is no logical reason whatsoever it should be a criteria for whom I can experience lust/love towards.

The second issue, which I expect to be the greatest surprise to the greatest number of you, is my personal gender identity. Did I mention I don't notice anybody's gender? Anybody's at all? Including my own? I do not have a gender identity and I must confess to not be entirely comfortable with the concept as applied to myself. I certainly do not understand the concept sufficiently well. I identify as androgynous, and would prefer future pronouns directed towards me, in an online context (don't worry, triton668, only in an online context, because of our society's rather inane restrictions), to be of the gender-neutral variety. They would be, for all practical purposes, a more accurate description of me- which is, essentially, the entire point of specifying gender in a pronoun anyway.

Thirdly, something I can count the number of readers of this journal who are unaware of it on the fingers of one hand: I am a dragon. It is not a user picture icon or an avatar, it is an identity. It is about as strong of an "I am" declaration as it is possible to make. Yes, this has the direct implication that I am, in a word, uncomfortable with being incarnated into a human body for the duration of this life. "Uncomfortable," incidentally, is rarely something I take ridiculous steps to rectify, and I see no reason to waste my current life moping about not being shaped right when I can, instead, accept it as one hell of a unique experience. 100 years ain't all that long anyway.

Perhaps a more detailed explanation is in order. If one is forced to assign a species to a soul- an inherently amorphous thing- mine is not described by "human-" certainly not well. I do not deny that it is a fair assessment of my present physical form, but that's far more transitory. I consider myself to be best described by a word assigned to, in my context and in Western culture, a large lizard-like creature with a long neck, a penchant for flight, and a built-in barbeque-it-yourself-kit for many values of "it." I confess it's not really the simplest thing to explain, especially given that I'm clearly not shaped like that this life- but I still think like one. That is to say, I think like myself, and I have gathered that such is greatly different from most. I still identify as a dragon, and my soul is still shaped like one. (In that respect, I am indeed still shaped like a dragon- if one accepts the "I" in this context to actually be myself, which is my soul, which has a definite shape at the moment; it simply happens to be different from the shape of my physical body. As that is the locale to which most people assign reflexive pronouns, usage of them in a soulular (?) context seems to be somewhat inadvisable.) I must again point y'all to baxil's writing on the situation, here, as he explains many things quite a bit better than I tend to.

Fourthly, and this follows nicely from the previous one, I am vaguely Pagan. I have polythestic beliefs, I believe in reincarnation, I believe that there are forces and energies that transcend the physical, and I believe that those can be manipulated by anything souled and sufficiently skilled. Those last two bits are what would be called, by a slightly less verbose person than I, a belief in magic. And, I would hope, something of a penchant for it- I certainly try.

Incidentally, considering that I believe in this extra layer of reality, and I've already quite clearly expressed my belief in a soul, it should surprise nobody at this point to express a thorough belief in ghosts and other assorted disincarnate spirits. This means that in the cases of what would be called by present psychology "multiple personality disorder," I am generally inclined to see it as a situation of multiple souls using one body, and not anything that needs to be "fixed" in any particular way, especially when they describe themselves as such. I do confess to get tangled in my pronouns in some situations like this, however.

I do have a journal filter for things related to this- if you're on my friends list, curious about this, and not on the [metaphysical] filter already, just ask.

I suspect this post will be met primarily with "that explains a lot" and questions I am more than willing to answer. Please, feel free to ask them.

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*hugs* It takes a lot of courage to admit that. I'm proud of you.

And I have to admit that I thought you were female for a while there - don't know why, just seemed more right. So you've always seemed a bit androgynous to me, though I probably will have trouble with gender-neutral pronouns simply because there are so few people I know who they apply to. But hey, no time to start like the present, hmm?

Allow me to congratulate you on having such a firm selfawareness, which is far more important I think than what others think or do not understand about you.

There was a time when I would have said I had no gender identity, but that has changed. Nonetheless, I remember it, so I understand in part from where you are speaking. It is not a bad place by any means.

I am not, so far as I know, a dragon. And I think I would know by now. :) But I'm perfectly willing to accept your statement of your own identity and thank you for sharing it. Despite being something of an outsider, I think you are doing fairly well at understanding the human experience as it were.

I remain delighted to have made your acquaintance here.

Grammatical gender and biological gender are not equivalent, certainly. I suppose you should feel lucky to have a language which does have a neutral pronoun at its disposal. (I vaguely recall you having a preference for some other not quite standard pronoun, but don't remember what it is.) Grammatical gender is something frequently to just be learned. (e.g. A ship or other vehicle is frequently feminine, but it is only so by convention.)

I think it's great that you have such 'awareness of self'. Most people don't. (s/people/beings/ if you want.)

I have no questions - what could one ask in this situation? You are what you are, and we (your friends) must accept that or we can't call ourselves friends. Keep me on that list!

Remember that I've never considered "people" to implicitly define "human," only the raw definition of "has a personality." Yes, that means I consider triton668's cat a person.

I was hedging (the wrong way), trying to cover all my bases.

Personally I don't consider cats as "people". Dogs, yes, but cats no. (cheek.insert(tongue); Flames to /dev/null)


Yay, another neuter/androgyne/epicene! And a dwaggy to boot! *hugs* I was neuter for a while but then my body-soul virtual interface layer™ decided it really, really wants to be female. Or maybe it was just being really sneaky the whole time. Silly thing.

This will be an excellent opportunity to break out the z-series pronouns. ^.^

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