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color cycle (slow)

Kistaro Windrider, Reptillian Situation Assessor

Unfortunately, I Really Am That Nerdy

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Programming Frustrations
color cycle (slow)
kistaro
By the way... would any of you happen to have a sledgehammer and the home address of the twit who thought it would be a good idea to make setMinimumSize(Dimension size) NOT implicitly call setPreferredSize(Dimension size) when the min is larger than the preferred, or the preferred is undefined? I'd like to have a little conversation with him about that programming decision, to make it so Swing components will prefer to size something at below its minimum functional size if you don't explicitly set the preferredSize as well.


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Something that was not clear from my twenty-minute abridged form post, which is what you saw (the unabridged form pushes 100K): For every period of unsuppression, it was not generalized feelings of inhumanity. It was very specific feelings of inhumanity, and then I did identify as a dragon. That is not backfilling it; every one of those cases, there was nothing generalized.

I seem human to you for four entirely reasonable reasons:
1. I look like one. This is because, for this life, I happen to be shaped like one.
2. Remember that post about censoring myself, stopping myself because I know I'm about to totally socially screw up if I say everything I've got? I do that. That's what you see.
3. "Human" is an extremely broad term. There is incredible variation among humans- so much that there is almost nothing, especially in the psychological or behavioral department, that is out of range.
4. You expect me to be a human. And why wouldn't you? The entire concept of this senitent being in front of you having a soul that doesn't match its body is so far out of the paradigm of "normal" that it's not even on the map. "Crazy" is far closer to mainland, and so much easier for you.

You would never have guessed this for two simple reasons. As stated in point four, it's not something one would generally consider under any circumstances. Second, how well do you really know me? Besides the obvious "not very well, apparently" from this, you know me as a classmate who sits a row in front of you and writes unusual notes. You know me as a classmate in lab. You know me as an interesting person to talk to. You know me as an opponent at "Confusion." You know me as the inventor of that game. But how much of a window in to me has any of that given you?

And backing up a step: Why I "chose" dragon? I didn't choose. I instead accept myself as one. I could go on about years upon years of dreams, weird meditations, a painful desire to fly on my own wings, the feeling of limbs that aren't there, how I can get totally stoned on a good stiff fresh wind- but I'm not sure that it would take you any closer to what I am trying to say. And do not read too far into labels: I am me, and nothing else. "Dragon" is a convinient label handily supplied by the local mythology, useful for granting images and other impressions, other things it feels to mean. Some of them- many of them- mutually conflicting, some that don't really apply to me that well. But then is that ever true of any definition, that any individual perfectly matches any general definition?

And no, I didn't "pick this up." All that baxil's site did for me was drop a wake-up brick on my head. I've had this all along, my entire life- a plurality of lives (what, all this and you expect me to not be a reincarnationalist?)- and all that's ever changed is how much I accept it or don't.

Sorry if there's a bit of a frustrated edge to this; it's not at you. I have just had a very frustrating romp through the provided code for Lab 4 and determined that there is no static place I can go to find a white or black Othello piece to compare to so I can figure out what color to draw any given space on the board. I can hack around it by checking the string of a piece once, figure out whether that's black or white, and then declare all non-null non-that pieces to be the other thing, and figure everything out by storing a pointer to only one piece and a boolean saying exactly what that is. I should not have to do that, however. For that matter, it's probably worth points off.

That and it's almost 5:00a new time.

I'll likely respond later in full* (for the present there's work to be done), but I just thought I'd say that I'd be surprised if there were anyone who didn't censor [vast] parts of what s/he wants to say. That's part of our wacky existence here. Of course, when talking to me, total strangers sometimes don't censor themselves and I get interesting and oftentimes strange stories from their life to carry with me though I'll never see them again...but I don't imagine that's normal.

*in full, as in more thoroughly, not as in exhaustively--'relatively moreso' if you will

Differentiation Yet Unity

Firstly, I have to say "oops" as I'd been trying to avoid using the word "chose" (in it's various forms). But that aside...

Believing in reincarnation isn't too far afield. Most religions believe in *something* after this life is over...they just disagree on what it is. To that end, could it be argued that you are presently a human though were previously a dragon and are suffering a form of phantom limb syndrome? If reincarnation is true, then perhaps all of us were from something/one else previously, and different people just retain parts of prior incarnations better than others?

I suppose that my present questions hope to lead to that, though there are obviously differences between any two given persons, that we are all alike to some extent despite our varied backgrounds. You have said that you do not fit in (a common malady). This is often from trying to fit oneself to a particular conception of what they believe to be "the norm". If at present you have found yourself and are happy, then that's a Good Thing™ and well enough. Perhaps your spirit's ancestry is different than mine own; it doesn't change that we are presently here together in this common experience we call "humanity".

Oh, by the way...I like the style. It's nicer than the old one (in my opinion).


Re: Differentiation Yet Unity

You're catching on. I do suspect I was shaped like this in a past life, but I make one further assertion: the form in question is one that is more "natural" to me. This is supported somewhat by the fact that I still identify with it, and you are at this point correct to point out the circularity of such an argument.

What it comes to- as it almost inevitably does- is the definition of "human". By purely biological definitions, I make no claims in any way against humanity. I argue only in my identity, my soul, my perspective, and my outlook.

We are all together in one society, one culture, one species, and one unique set of experiences that cannot exist anywhere else: every culture is unique, at the nation level or the more generic species level. But it is a situation I will experience very differently from you- as must everybody experience everything uniquely. And I deny none of this.

But through it all, I still fail to identify as human. I have tried to before, and it's come crashing down: I do not strive to identify as a dragon, I must fight if I wish to not. And I have nothing to gain by doing that, nothing to gain except a phony normalcy and a blithe ignorance- nay, a denial- of an identity, of what is most naturally myself, that I am actively fighting.

In the end, this is all coming down to nothing more exotic than identity. And nothing less exotic, nothing less aetheric...

What unites us is that we are all beings. We exist. We are. Everyone comes from a different background, true. I suppose you are fortunate to have a notion of where you believe that background lies. Many spend their whole lives searching never to discover it.

What is it to identify as human? I don't think we can fail at it if we do not know what it is we're doing. I only think of myself as human because I have two arms, two legs, two ears, two eyes, etc. etc. arranged just so. There is nothing mental or spiritual inside that I can possibly know would mark me as a human as I don't have anyone else's mental or spiritual states as a reference. I call myself a listener because I listen. People strangely identify that I listen and tell me things. But I don't know how that came to be... In my travels the world over I've met some others like me. We have nothing so specific to relate to as a dragon, however. We have but our power to listen.

Stepping back a second, it's interesting how this conversation came to be. Both of us just happen to know each other and both help in support and you happen to comment in response to negative activity. It's interesting.

Stepping back again, we see that one can step back an absurd (read, infinite) number of times and so I'm going to stop here.


Identity is an extremely complex thing- a statement that I believe this thread stands as adequate proof for. There is absolutely no absolute frame of reference for identity.

But I am not looking outside for a frame of reference. I am making absolutely no appeal to anything objective, no appeal to logic. I just am, and that's all I can say: I exist, and I identify as existing as this.

And "this" is far beyond any label. It's more complex than the Java keyword of the same name. "Dragon" is simply the most convinient label I have for a polymorphic concept of infinite complexity.

I must also register agreement with something Inuki said: that I am also human, for this life. I don't have a choice: if I had no human identity at all, I wouldn't be able to function. I consider awareness of the fact that I presently lack wings and hence diving out a fifth-floor window is a Bad Idea to be something of human identity: to understand this physical form, and to simply be in this society. I make absolutely no claims of inhuman biology. I've got my mutations- natural body temperature of 95.5 degrees, and it plummets when I get hungry- but that, and the other various variances, are well within normal bounds. Physically, I am human. Biologically- and hence the associated drives- I am human. Mentally, spiritually? Therein lies the contradiction.

It might be strange, but I beleive that no soul has any inherent natural form. But, as evidenced by myself and several others, it is very possible for one to "pick up" a form and wind up quite attached to it- and then a spot confused when it winds up incarnated in something shaped almost, but not entirely, unlike that.

I'm enjoying this philosophising, really, so take it as a bit of a warning: my replies from this point onward are likely to have questionable amounts of relevance to the question that spawned it, should this continue (and I rather hope it does). They will be for the pure fun of thinking, expressing, philosophising... and I do hope you are enjoying this for the same reason.

For some reason, I think you might like the forums at http://www.tomorrowlands.org/ because of the level of philosophy it can hit. Humans welcome!

See you in class- uh, technically, later today.

Philosophisizing is fine, fun, and all that. I'll get to that later... I don't know that I'll participate in the forums just because I don't really say things in online forums too much. (Except LJ, here, but that's a little different.) Yes...see you "today".

This comment doesn't really say much but is an attempt to make the comment to which it is a reply 'appear' as it were. I've been noticing the comments-do-not-appear-until-replied-to thing happening a few times recently...too lazy to look up the relevant Zilla item at the moment.


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