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Kistaro Windrider, Reptillian Situation Assessor

Unfortunately, I Really Am That Nerdy

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On polyamory
love, cuddle
kistaro
For those who haven't caught on, or read my interests list, or brought up the subject in conversation: I'm polyamorous, and in a polyamorous relationship. Conversation on different takes on the concept has come up enough recently I feel I should post my own.

Of course, I also have other reasons to think about it; a dragon who Rakeela and I are both in love with finally got a chance to visit last weekend and it was, for each of us, sincerely one of the most emotionally beneficial experiences the any of the three of us have ever had. I'm not good at describing emotional experiences; I do know it did quite a lot of good to have someone in an emotionally close relationship with me who is very physical with hir affection around for a while. I guess I'm selective about who I want to be touched by, but it's done me some good to, even for a little while, be able to answer the quiet urge to hug someone I care about by hugging someone I care about. Cognitively, I just got to relax for a while- which is as much an effect of "it's a vacation" as anything else- and that's not an experience I have all that often. I had someone else actually defending my interests for once, and acting as a priority and a reason for me not to just scurry off and do whatever random thing someone around the house wants as opposed to whatever I've wanted to do or have been trying to do.

A lot of what helped is that one big fear I had is gone. I was afraid that maybe I wouldn't be very good at polyamory when confronted directly with it. I had this fear that I'd get jealous over people I love spending time with each other, or with people they love, instead of me, or that I'd be receiving such jealousy. That no such thing happened did a great deal to get rid of one of my persistent anxieties; my tendency to be happy that people I love are happy is strong, and jealousy doesn't even bother entering into it.

Which I need. Jealousy, I don't need. But I'm emotionally polyamorous because the alternative makes no sense to me. I cannot understand why a relationship with a person should be this strong and defining limitation on relationships to other people. Being forced to spurn a person you love is the basis of an immense quantity of emotional pain; love triangles are the foundation of tragic stageplays throughout history. So, what good comes from being forced to make such a fundamentally painful decision? The only thing that makes sense to me is fear- most specifically, fear of jealousy- and that just seems like choosing an unavoidably painful thing that can do a lot of damage to people forever in favor of learning how to manage an emotion that not everybody will even bother experiencing in the circumstances.

I can't understand why it makes sense to force onesself to make such a choice for an arbitrary headcount limit of one. So I'm polyamorous because having a relationship won't stop me from falling in love with people, and it's not any more complicated than that.

This isn't to say I love easily; my relationships have taken multiple years to develop. But that happens, and trying to fight against it won't help me any.

I love multiple dragons, and we are all making it work out quite well for us all. I guess there isn't much more to it than that. I'm happy, and so are people I love, and those are the things that matter.

I've migrated to DreamWidth. The original post is at http://kistaro.dreamwidth.org/480694.html. View comment count unavailable comments at http://kistaro.dreamwidth.org/480694.html#comments; go ahead and use OpenID to post your own, or you can comment here.

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Being loved is so lovely. Oh, l'amour!

I find myself oftentimes torn between being in love with my mate and yet falling 'in love' with other people at the same time, and then feeling as if I'm focusing too much on the 'newer' person or..

Well it just gets confusing. And it has, at times, been painful. I would count myself currently 'happy' in that I am happy with my mate and my closer loved ones, though I am not satisfied with being in school at the moment as I very much want to be physically closer to everyone. I have been playing the long distance relationship game for some time and it is draining.

All of these somewhat-but-not-entirely random thoughts tend to mesh together and at times cause me grief, or happiness, or..

I wish I were better at expressing these sorts of things, I will say that, in the least!
I mentioned on twitter that I have browsed through your livejournal in the past and such. Well, more specifically, posts like this and others (your gender.. I want to say 'ambiguity' but I am not certain that is the correct word) both inspire me and provoke lots of what I would consider meaningful thoughts for me, both from their similarity to my own self and the insight they provide into your mind and soul. I guess I am trying to say I am thankful that you have shared so much of yourself.
Perhaps sometime we'll have a chance to discuss things one on one :)

I don't think anybody can explain these things well. Complicated things of relationships and emotion go through all sorts of complex mental states that English is especially poorly-equipped to represent. I certainly don't think I did some brilliant job getting the ideas across; I just sort of wrote out what I could, let it sit in the text entry box, decided I wouldn't do better, and left it at that.

Being satisfied in everything in your life and relationships isn't really a typical state! College, then costs of travel and lack of time, keep me distant from people I love. There will never be a point when everything is perfect, because we live in a world where there are very many people available to care about, and the majority of them are nowhere near where you wish they geographically were. But balancing time and effort and budgets will let you do your best, at least.

I'm not sure if I'm gender-ambiguous or not. (Is that ambiguous enough for you?) I mean, I'm reasonably consistent in my ambiguity. I'm either not feeling gendered enough to have an identity, or I'm identifying myself as distinctly hermaphroditic. Except when I'm not, of course, but that's the exception.

Oh, all right, you win.

I'm glad my posts are useful! I really should post more in general. I have some 23 notecards of subjects I'd like to write on, but haven't gotten around to covering.

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